Copyright 1976 Richard Seltzer
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"Ome is the nicest part of Oz, with lakes and
trees and lots of grass for kids to roll in."
The
Lizard of Oz, p. 4
"Barbarians! Absolute barbarians" Mr. Bacon was
sizzling with anger. "Didn't anyone ever teach you how to eat a
book?" And he picked up a little book from his desk and read,
"'Once upon a space there was a time, a cute little time; her name
was Now.'" And he said, "That's how to eat a book."
"Cindy had asked the librarian for the story about the little
time named Now, and he'd given her a whole stack of stories by the
same author. There was Julie's Book: the Little Princess, and Mary
Jane's Book: the Book of Animals, and The Little Ooops Named Ker
Plop, and there was even a big one called The Lizard of Oz, but
she didn't have time to read that one."
Once upon a space there was a time, a cute little time. Her name
was Now.
Her father was Yesterday, and her mother was Tomorrow. And they
loved her very much. But there was nobody around to play with.
Her big brother, Today, was twenty-four hours tall -- so big that
she could hardly see his face. And it was very hard for him to
bend way down and play with little Now.
There were many many times -- good times and bad times, long
times and short times. But none of them was anywhere near as
little as Now.
When her mommy saw how lonely she was, she told her, "We aren't
the only times. We're a special class of times, a leisure class.
There are many other times who have to work for a living, and
maybe among them you can find some time just your size to play
with."
So Now flew (for all time flies) to the land of working time.
There was A-Time-to-be-Born and A-Time-to-Die, A-Time-for Sowing
and A-Time-for-Reaping. There were big big times like
A-Time-for-War and A-Time-for-Sorrow. But there were little times,
too -- times almost as little as Now, times like A-Time-for-Peace
and A-Time-for-Joy. So she asked A-Time-for-Joy if he'd like to
play.
But he said, "Don't bother me. I'm busy. I've got no space to
play in. All I do is have joy, joy, joy; everywhere nothing but
joy. It's a drag, of course. And I'd love to play with you if I
could. But a job's a job... Why don't you try A-Time-to-Play. He
should be able to help you."
But A-Time-to-Play said, "You want to play? You've got to be
kidding. I'd give you this job, glad to get rid of it. But the
labor market's tight these days, and a time's got to eat. So I'm
sorry, but I can't help you."
"But I want a time to play with. Just some time, any time. Don't
any times play together? Surely you must know?"
"Most times around here are used to being by themselves.
Afterall, we've got work to do. We're respectable. Only those
good-for-nothing, lazy... Oh, there are times that play around."
"Mommy said that there'd be times like that."
"Yes. I might have figured as much. Tomorrow's not so far from
being one herself."
"One what?"
"An indefinite. No reflection on your mother personally, Now. She
raised herself up from all that. She married a time of the leisure
class. She's respectable, Now. But what she came from... Don't get
me wrong, Now. What I'm saying is for your own good. You've got it
in your blood, and maybe your mother hasn't taught you. You see,
Now, Tomorrow's parents are Forever and Ever: two of the laziest,
most indefinite times in the universe. They play all right. All
they do is play, play, play. But they
have no fixed place in society like Yesterday and nine o'clock.
And they don't do a bit of work. Why they're the very lowest class
of time. And (but don't tell your mother I said this), Ever's
brother, Never, is so low he isn't a time at all. He's an enemy of
society, that's what he is. He's ..."
But Now didn't wait to hear the rest. She wanted to see her
grandparents who she hadn't heard of before and to meet these
merry times, these free and easy, happy-go-lucky times of the
"lowest class."
And she liked Forever and Ever -- they were so much fun to talk
to. But they were so big. She really couldn't tell just how big
they were, but together they just seemed to have no end at all.
And she grew very, very unhappy because even here she couldn't
find anybody her size to play with.
But Then.
Yes, Then.
She saw him. And he saw her. And Now and Then. Then and Now
played and played and played.
Now and Then -- the greatest playmates of all time.
Long ago, there was a castle with towers taller than church
steeples, with stairs that wound round and around a thousand steps
high. And at the top of one of those towers lived a little
princess named Julie.
She had everything that a little princess could want: a crib, a
warm blanket, a thousand steps to run up and down, a mommy, a
daddy, and a thousand playmates.
This is a step. Color it up
and down.
Every night her mother would tell her stories about witches and
wicked step-mothers and fair damsels; and Prince Charming how
always came to rescue them.
But the Princess wasn't a very happy princess. She wanted to be
Rapunzel or Cinderella or Snow White or Sleeping Beauty. She
wanted a wicked step-mother and a Prince Charming to rescue her.
Her mother loved her dearly and did everything to make the little
princess happy. But the harder her mother tried to please her, the
sadder the little princess became.
All the lucky little princesses, the ones that people told
stories about, had wicked step-mothers, and Prince Charming
rescued them and fell in love with them. And here she was a plain
ordinary princess with a mother who loved her, and she was never
miserable, and nobody ever treated her badly and Prince Charming
would never come to rescue her.
This is a step mother. Color her wicked.
This is a tear. Color it never.
Prince Leroy and Princess Mary Jane and Prince James and Prince
Ricky and Prince Raymond and Prince Michael and Prince David and
Princess Penny and Prince Frank and Princess Desire and Prince
Chuck and all the princes and princesses for miles and miles
around wanted to play with Princess Julie. But she didn't want to
play with anybody.
She shut herself up in the top of the tower, and she wouldn't let
her mommy tell her stories, and she wouldn't even curl up in her
crib with her blanket. She just sat on the stone ledge by her
window and watched and waited. She'd make herself the most
miserable little princess in the whole world, and Prince Charming
would come galloping up on his white charger and carry her off to
Neverneverland.
This is Prince Chuck. Color the helmet cheap
and shiny.
Since the little princess wouldn't come down to the courtyard to
play, her mother sent playmates up to the top of the tower. But
soon all the princes and princesses got tired of just sitting in
the top of the tower and watching Princess Julie wait for Prince
Charming. All except Prince Chuck. Chuck liked to talk to the
little princess.
"You mean you know how to make Prince Charming come to rescue
you? I always wanted to meet Prince Charming. I mean I always
wanted to find out where he got that white charger and shiny armor
and how he finds fair damsels to rescue. And maybe if I wait here
with you, and Prince Charming comes to rescue you, he'll tell me
where I can find a fair damsel to rescue who'll fall in love with
me and live happily ever after."
Then one morning, just after the milkman and the breadman, Prince
Charming arrived.
The little princess was so excited she didn't know what to say or
do. So Chuck did the talking, "Hello, Prince Charming. Where did
you get that white charger and that shiny armor?"
"Jordan Marsh. They were on sale. Just $10.98. Regularly $15.45."
So Chuck ran off to Jordan Marsh to buy a white charger and shiny
armor, and Prince Charming rode off to Neverneverland with
Princess Julie.
The next day, Chuck rode all up and down Everydayland, showing
off his white charger and his shiny armor.
But the armor was a bit tight and very heavy, and his bottom was
sore from riding all day.
This is a bottom. Color it sore.
Besides, he had forgotten to ask how to find fair damsels in
distress. And afterall, there was no reason to go riding around
with shiny armor on a white charger unless you had a fair damsel
to rescue.
Then an old hag with one magic eye drove up Main Street in a VW.
She stopped next to Chuck and told him, "Sonny, if you're looking
for fair damsels, (and I don't know what else you'd be doing in
that get-up), there are hundreds of them in Neverneverland at
Prince Charming's castle."
Suddenly, it occured to Chuck that Prince Charming had been
rescuing damsels for years and years and taking them to
Neverneverland. If he were a nice prince, he would have rescued
only one damsel, or two, or three. But he had rescued hundreds and
hundreds. What could he want with hundreds and hundreds of
damsels, unless he was an ogre or something. Afterall, how many
kids can a guy play with at a time?
So Chuck galloped off to Neverneverland and galloped right up to
the gate of Prince Charming's castle.
This is Prince Charming's
castle. Color it
nevernever.
Prince Charming walked out in his pajamas, and he looked very
very tired. But Chuck showed no mercy. He said, "Prince Charming,
I demand that you free Princess Julie this very instant."
Suddenly, Prince Charming looked very very happy. "Why don't you
take the rest of them, too? This is a terrible job rescuing
damsels all the time. But the worst of it is that they just sit
there in my castle and jabber away with each other and play dolls
and things. I'm not as young as I used to be. I just can't take it
anymore. In all these years, you're the first guy who ever asked
for one of them back. Please take her. You're welcome to her and
to as many others as you want."
These are Prince Charming's
pajamas. Color them
tired and wrinkled.
But Chuck only wanted Princess Julie. He picked her up, put her
on his white charger and rode off with her back to Everydayland.
Chuck was very happy because he had rescued a fair damsel. He
told everybody all about it, time and again.
But the little princess was very very sad because she missed all
the friends and dolls and things at Prince Charming's castle.
And she was very, very mad at Chuck for taking her away from all
that.
Ever after that, she did everything she could to make herself the
most miserable little princess in the whole world so Prince
Charming would rescue her again and carry her off again to
Neverneverland.
But in spite of everything she did to make herself miserable, she
lived happily ever after.
This is the little
princess. Color her
happily ever after.
It was summer vacation, and everything was different: Mary Jane
didn't have to go to school, and everything she just loved turned
into a car -- all the animals, that is.
Mary Jane just loved all sorts of animals. She loved horses,
cows, and birds. And she was very sad when they turned into
Mustangs, Mavericks and Falcons.
But Leroy was very happy. He followed Mary Jane all over town.
Every time she saw a little pony and just loved it and it turned
into a car, Leroy would jump in that car and drive it round and
round.
Soon Leroy and James and Ricky and Raymond and Michael and David
and Penny and Frank and Julie and Desire were looking all over
Brockton for horses and cows and birds to take to Mary Jane so
she'd just love them and they'd turn into cars. Even Miss Morgan
went looking for horses and cows and birds because she was tired
of her little green VW.
Everybody wanted a car of their own. Everybody wanted two cars,
three cars, as many cars as they could get. Miss Morgan got ten
cars, so many cars that she had no place to put them; so she
stacked them in her front yard.
Soon there weren't any horses or cows or birds in all of Brockton.
And Mary Jane was very very sad because she just loved animals.
And Leroy and James and Ricky and Raymond and Michael and David
and Penny and Frank and Julie and Desire and Mis Morgan were sad
because they wanted more and more cars. And Miss Morgan's little
green VW was very very sad because Miss Morgan never drove her
anymore.
Mary Jane saw the little green VW crying, and she felt so sorry
for that little green VW that she ran up to it and hugged it and
just loved it.
All of a sudden, the little green VW turned into the sweetest
little green animal that Mary Jane had ever seen. Mary Jane could
tell by its tail that it wasn't a horse or a cow or a bird.
She had made a brand-new kind of animal: one that you could ride
and that said "moo" when it was happy, and that had a beak like a
bird.
Mary Jane rode the VW all over town. She just loved it so much
that she just loved every car that she saw; and every car that she
just loved turned into an animal -- until there weren't any cars
left in Brockton, just horses and cows and birds and strange new
animals,
like Darts
and Thunderbirds
and Saabs.
At first everybody in Brockton, except Mary Jane, was very sad,
because nobody had any cars anymore.
Then Mary Jane had a idea. She whispered it to Miss Morgan, and
Miss Morgan told the mayor, and the mayor told the rest of the
town. The next morning, Brockton officially opened as a zoo.
People came from all over the world to see the little green VW
and the Darts and Thunderbirds and Saabs and Comets and Gremlins
and other strange animals. And soon Brockton because the richest
town in the whole world.
That fall, Mary Jane rode to school on the little green VW.
And Leroy and James and Ricky and Raymond and Michael and David
and Penny and Frank and Julie and Desire and Miss Morgan rode on
horses and cows and birds and brand-new animals. And everybody was
happy -- especially the animals.
Once beneath a space there was an oops named Ker Plop. She had
fallen all the way down through that vast empty space and had
landed in the middle of nowhere.
Before she fell, her father, Mr. Plop, had warned her, "Remember,
you're just an oops."
"What's an oops?" she asked.
"Well, when you aren't somebody, and you aren't anybody, and just
one false step and you could become nobody, you're just an oops."
"Just an oops?"
"Just an oops. And you have to watch your step if you want to get
anywhere."
"What's anywhere, Daddy?"
"Why anywhere's just down the street from somewhere, and
everybody who's somebody lives somewhere."
"I don't understand, Daddy."
"Well, of course not. How could you? You're not anywhere yet. But
any day now, any day, your chance may come. Just watch your step
though. Watch your step, or you'll fall, Ker Plop, right down to
the middle of nowhere."
She asked her mother, "What will my chance look like? I don't
want to miss him. It would be awful to miss him. But how will I
know him when I see him?"
"He'll come riding up on a white horse, and he'll be the
handsomest man you've ever seen. And you'll hear bells ringing and
feel a tingling up and down your spine."
"Did your chance ever come, Mommy?"
"No, he must have gotten lost somewhere."
"You mean sometimes you never have a chance?"
"Yes, sometimes he just never appears. But anytime he might. And
you have to be ready or he'll just pass you by."
"That sounds awfully unfair."
"Yes, but what can an oops do? Just watch your step, like your
father said; or you'll not only miss your chance, you'll end up in
the middle of nowhere."
Then one day somebody drove up to her and started talking. He
must have been somebody to have such a shiny new sports car, and
he spoke like a somebody. When her parents talked, they were
always hopeful but uncertain. It was always, "anywhere,"
"anybody," "anything," and it might happen "anytime." All these
"any's" were just beyond their reach. Now this stranger talked
about "somewhere," "somebody," "something," and "sometime" it
might happen. He had control over the people and things of his
world. And he could decide when the "sometime" would be when
whatever he wanted would happen.
Maybe he was her chance. His name was Chauncey, and he was very
handsome.
She got into the car with him, and off they drove.
Round and round they went. They went around together for the
longest time. And Ker Plop got so dizzy she didn't know if maybe
she was hearing bells and feeling tingles. And she had no idea how
far they had gone, though it did feel like they hadn't really gone
anywhere.
"When are you really going to take me away? And we'll go
somewhere and do something?" she asked.
"Sometime. Just don't worry your pretty little head about it."
They kept going around together, around and around, until Ker
Plop got so dizzy she slipped and fell.
"Can't you see I'm hurt?" she asked. "Take me somewhere,
anywhere, Chauncey, quick."
"Look, kid, how can I take you anywhere? You're just a nobody."
And Chauncey drove off and left her there, and she went falling
all the way down, till she landed in the middle of nowhere.
"Help!" she called.
And nobody came.
"What's wrong?" he asked.
"I fell all the way down, and now I'm in the middle of nowhere."
"There's nothing to worry about. Nothing at all. You've got a few
bruises and a scratch on the knee there. But it'll all clear up in
no time."
The nobody's name was Norris. He was a cute little guy who could
do all sorts of things. He could build a house or make a funny
face. "There's nothing to it," he'd say.
He didn't wait around saying, "Any day now, any day." He didn't
keep putting things off saying, "I'll get around to it sometime."
No, he always said, "There's no time like the present."
And together they didn't worry about getting anywhere or meeting
somebody. And they didn't have to worry about ending up nowhere.
Soon they felt like they had everything they ever wanted. And
they loved everybody, and everybody loved them. And they were at
home everywhere.
Just the little oops named Ker Plop and the nobody named Norris.
Afterword: story of the stories
One spring day in 1970, I met Leroy, Mary Jane, James, Ricky,
Raymond, Michael, David, Penny, Frank, Desire, and Chuck at
Trailside Museum in Milton, Massachusetts. They were on a field
trip from Brockton with their teacher, Miss Morgan. Their
curiosity and enthusiasm sparked my imagination, and shortly
thereafter I wrote stories for Mary Jane, Leroy, Raymon, and
Julie. (Julie had been sick the day of the tirp. Miss Morgan told
me about her.) I wrote "Now and Then" that same spring.
A year later, when Miss Morgan was teaching in Winthrop, I
visited her new class and other classes at the same school and
read them "Now and Then," "Julie's Book," Mary Jane's Book," and
other stories of mine. When one of the kids asked what I was going
to write next, I popped off with a few titles: "The Quest for the
Holy Mackerel," "The Lizard of Oz"... They wanted to hear "The
Lizard of Oz"; so I wrote a story with that title with the kids
themselves as characters.
Just recently [this was written in 1976], a year and a half after
my wife Barbara and I started our own little company and published
The Lizard of Oz, East Elementary School in Sharon, Mass.,
performed that story as a play. The kids (third to sixth graders,
plus one 5-1/2 year old) and their drama teacher, Kathy Smith, put
on a delightful, imaginative and accurate production. Afterwards,
several of the kids asked about my next book: what would it
be? A couple days later I wrote "The Little Ooops Named Ker
Plop."
I'd like to thank all those readers of The Lizard whose
enthusiasm, help and encouragement made this book possible. I'd
also like to thank Shirley Maltzman for introducing The Lizard to
the kids in Sharon; Dave Gleason for his invaluable practical
advice and the cover design; Ed Trobec for convincing me to go
ahead and use my own drawings; and Gary Wolfe for his editorial
advice.
And, of course I want to thank our executive vice president, my
ever-patient, every enchanting wife, Barbara.
April 12, 1976
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